Oh hi there..

So I haven't been on in.... a year.. kind of ridiculous what can happen in that time.

I finished my first year at University of the Sciences. I honestly really did like that school.... but it was so much work. I understand that life is work and everything, but I would have a pile of 10 things to-do and before I finished one of them I'd have 5 more things to do. Plus going to class and working and trying to eat healthy and go to the gym for an hour a day.. it was just too much. And the people there.... I had a very select few good friends there and the rest... as you could see from my last post.... we just won't go there. Got into Old Dominion and hated it there too. I guess this is my reoccurring theme.

So I came home my dad stopped talking to me again.. I tried going with him to lunch every Sunday and then he suddenly decided that he wanted me to start doing things with Kathy and just no. Is she my mom? No. Do we share blood? No. Has she ever 'been there' for me? No. Has she treated me with respect/kindness/just generally been nice to me? Nope. So I don't want to deal with her.. I even smiled at her at.... Glenn's funeral? and she just glared back so yeah, I'm so done with her bullshit.

I got myself a job for the duration of the summer.. working as a locker attendant at Hershey park. Ended up making some pretty awesome friends. There suddenly was a lot of drama and crap and Lauren stopped being my friend because I became friends with the 'it' crowd. She's blocked me on Facebook.. and I really didn't do anything to her. Then at the end of the summer, Kenneth stopped talking to everyone I guess, he was one of my best friends there. After he went to college at Drexel he just completely changed.. I went off down to Old Dominion where, as I said before, I hated it. The professors were awful, the classes were a joke and then Ace died. I hated everything after Ace died. I didn't get out of bed for days, I just cried.

Then after November I essentially stopped talking to Alex and Heather. I came up just to hang with them for Thanksgiving instead of going to see my mom and they treated me like crap. So I just stopped. I've been through enough dysfunctional/'abusive'/ridiculous relationships with my dad and tons of friends to the point where, I know it's going to happen, it does, I back out and then they get all pissed and hate me for essentially not complying to how they want to treat me. I want to be treated fairly.. as most people do.

And from there we come to.... That person I talked about before as my... 'jealous girlfriend.' And it still stands. Again. Just like always. I'll see if I can link myself... give me a second. Ahh well, turns out I deleted it because she used to read my blog and I didn't want her to see it.. It's Here if you want to see it.. although... you'd have to be my friend on facebook and be allowed to read it.. regardless..

I guess I should start from... the beginning? We met through mutual friends for a concert and everything was fine. She was a really cool person and a great friend to talk to and hang out with.. and I fell for her. I told her and she was fine with it, but said she didn't want to date me at that time.. and I was fine with that. So after.. a year or so it got brought up again by friends saying that we should date because we were so good together and she made it VERY clear that she didn't want to ever, which was a change from before. To her I was 'jail bate' EVEN though I wasn't more than 5 years younger. She also said the distance was too much and all sorts of other.. stuff that I don't even remember.
I tried/started moving on, trying to come out of my shell at school and such and I did, I really started to and then I met Kendall on a trip I took to Italy and Greece. And that's when all hell broke loose and nothings ever been the same since. I started liking Kendall on the trip, only Kirstie, Simmy and Rachel knew. Late in the trip  he told us about how his girlfriend was starting to disappoint him where she wouldn't send him emails and if she did they were one word answers.. It came as a shock to all of us.. he hadn't ever said a word about her before, he hadn't even bought her a gift. Regardless I didn't pursue him, I never did, and we were just friends. After we got back we all hung out and he eventually broke up with his girlfriend.. A week or two later we started dating. The whole time.. she<--jealous person kept telling me, he's going to break your heart just like he broke his old gf's heart and stupid stuff, she broke it off with him. The entire time all she did was tell me not to go out with him because he'd just make me miserable. Kendall made me happy. He really did.
And after awhile, my friend Drew had had enough of me being miserable so he took my computer and my phone and deleted her out of everything. Twitter, facebook, myspace[yes, myspace], my contacts in my phone, blocked her on aim, everything. I felt bad, but it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I only had to please myself. I no longer had to worry about who I talked to Kendall about or how I talked about him and I was just... happier. Eventually he broke up with me because he no longer felt the same way, and I don't hate him.. he was honest, though he could have done it better.

Regardless. I started talking to her again and she was okay, and we were friends and such. She just kept saying that she didn't want to see me hurt. It was understanding but it really just annoyed me because I was 17 and I was quite capable of taking care of myself.. I had been with my relationship with my dad, which was non-existent, which she kept pushing for. That really pissed me off.. the pushing for me to have a relationship with my dad. It still does. Just because your dad had a heart attack and died and you felt guilty doesn't mean I need to have one with mine. My dad treats me like shit. Like I'm a 5 year old who had to have a million rules INCLUDING my door is not allowed to be shut, if it is it cannot be locked regardless of whether I'm changing or not.. I was 14 when they separated... I had already hit puberty and I couldn't lock my door to get changed in the morning or after a shower. I'd have to run to my room and try to throw on underwear and a bra before he came in to tell me I had 5 minutes... and he never knocked. To me... I just felt violated at that age. I still hate it now.

Anyway, everything with her was fine until this summer... She came to visit and then from my perspective flirted with Megan the whole time, in front of me on purpose just to try to make me jealous. Needless to say it pissed me off. I invite you down here and you just stomp on the feelings I still have for you. Thanks. That's what friends are for, right?
Things after that were a bit... sheltered on my side, I didn't talk to her much afterwards, we stayed friends but we definitely weren't as close as before. Then August/September comes around and I told Angela and Chelsea about how I liked Kenneth, who had a girlfriend, and Ricky, who essentially had one too. She found out somehow and started trying to hound me again on liking someone who's 'emotionally unavailable' and I told her I knew this already and I was just friends. And all she did was warn me not to date them. I stopped talking to her about it.
Then in November she got all annoyed because I posted on twitter that the argument of straights never understanding gays/lesbians pain is stupid and untrue. And she went all out. Literally. Anything I said had no meaning, because her opinion wasn't going to change.. I never set out to do that. I simply stated that it didn't make sense. And then when I said that we would need allies who were straight, she was furious, claiming blasphemy and such. [To be honest... history proves that wrong.. Ending slavery.... Abraham Lincoln? Last I checked he was white. Ending OPEN oppression on blacks/people of color as they put it back then...... John F. Kennedy?? He was... also white....]

After that I pretty much only talked to her with someone else. And simple basic things.. Tv shows, music, bands.. that was it. And now, because Ricky isn't with Brie anymore and I openly like him, which he knows, she's all pissy because I won't tell her anything about him. She makes the passive aggressive remarks on twitter and tumblr about being 'left out' and how 'her only happiness is...' She also started trying to get super overprotective of me again. Like -protective mama wolf face- or something. Seriously. No. Stop. Just... no.

You had every chance. For... 4 years now. You made it absolutely perfectly crystal clear that you do not, never had and never will date me. So suck up your jealousy and deal with it. You said no. I moved on. If you want attention.. find someone else because I'm perfectly content with my life. I like Ricky, a lot. And he knows. If you're going to want to know about him and then get completely uninterested when Angela says 'he's sweeter than sugar! She's just sending me some of the texts and it's so cute and yeah' and you just say 'ohhhh' I'm not going to tell you. Unless that's alien for 'Oh my god tell me everything about this boy..' to me, you're uninterested.. and I don't speak alien anyway. So. Just stop.

And for the record. I don't have feelings for you anymore. You're like an addiction, but I'm no longer the addict.