I've been listening to The Academy Is... a lot lately and it's brought me back to the reason I love music. I started listening to Simple Plan when I was in 7th grade and I loved them. Their lyrics were so relatable and they were me at the time. Then I found out about Panic! At The Disco and they led me to The Academy Is... who was easily my absolute favorite. And listening to their music recently just explains why.

Not only are the lyrics amazing, I can relate in some way to almost all of them but the music, the music is so... the only thing I can relate it to is african dance. They use a drum and when the beat changes so does the dance. And listening to TAI... it's almost the same thing. There are very subtle beat changes, or guitar chords or random noises. But if you listen, you can hear it. And if you pay that much attention, it's amazing. Because these changes correspond to changes in Beckett's voice, or the chorus to the verse. Or for a change in the way something is sung, or a change in the lyrics; for a held syllable or a line to end quickly.

Like in Skeptics and True Believers at the end where the line "Don't believe a word you've heard about me." changes to "Don't believe a word you've heard." and the music changes slightly because the line ends earlier. There's suddenly a double drum beat to signify the end of the line.

To me that's just awesome. I love the fact that they go so into their music to leave these little clues, almost as if anyone were to forget where they were, they're clued in by the subtle music clues. 

I'd capture the phrases, inside the cage beneath my chest

and keep it locked for days.

I miss The Academy Is... so much. I lost my poem using little more than just the titles of their songs off of SANTI. I worked so hard on that just to make everything fit. Hopefully I wrote it down somewhere.. Maybe I'll find it one day. I miss them so much.. I hope Beckett tours again.. or does something. Now that Genevieve is almost 5 now, maybe he can? Plenty of bands tour and they have kids.

It's weird.. The more I talk to Ricky, the more I have the desire to listen to TAI... and no it's not because of Beckett. I came across this today.. and it's exactly what I feel for Beckett. It's called Aesthetic attraction..

When one sees another person or persons as attractive, nice looking, handsome or beautiful, but does not feel any desire to be in a romantic, sexual or sensual relationship with them.

I don't have any sexual or romantic attraction to him.. I'd love to be his friend where we could sit and talk for hours. But he's pretty much.... fantastic looking.

I'm not the type who lusts after people. And I think that's a huge misconception nowadays. If I think someone is attractive, people automatically assume that I'd want sexual things from them. Not true. At all. I just think they're beautiful.

Oh hi there..

So I haven't been on in.... a year.. kind of ridiculous what can happen in that time.

I finished my first year at University of the Sciences. I honestly really did like that school.... but it was so much work. I understand that life is work and everything, but I would have a pile of 10 things to-do and before I finished one of them I'd have 5 more things to do. Plus going to class and working and trying to eat healthy and go to the gym for an hour a day.. it was just too much. And the people there.... I had a very select few good friends there and the rest... as you could see from my last post.... we just won't go there. Got into Old Dominion and hated it there too. I guess this is my reoccurring theme.

So I came home my dad stopped talking to me again.. I tried going with him to lunch every Sunday and then he suddenly decided that he wanted me to start doing things with Kathy and just no. Is she my mom? No. Do we share blood? No. Has she ever 'been there' for me? No. Has she treated me with respect/kindness/just generally been nice to me? Nope. So I don't want to deal with her.. I even smiled at her at.... Glenn's funeral? and she just glared back so yeah, I'm so done with her bullshit.

I got myself a job for the duration of the summer.. working as a locker attendant at Hershey park. Ended up making some pretty awesome friends. There suddenly was a lot of drama and crap and Lauren stopped being my friend because I became friends with the 'it' crowd. She's blocked me on Facebook.. and I really didn't do anything to her. Then at the end of the summer, Kenneth stopped talking to everyone I guess, he was one of my best friends there. After he went to college at Drexel he just completely changed.. I went off down to Old Dominion where, as I said before, I hated it. The professors were awful, the classes were a joke and then Ace died. I hated everything after Ace died. I didn't get out of bed for days, I just cried.

Then after November I essentially stopped talking to Alex and Heather. I came up just to hang with them for Thanksgiving instead of going to see my mom and they treated me like crap. So I just stopped. I've been through enough dysfunctional/'abusive'/ridiculous relationships with my dad and tons of friends to the point where, I know it's going to happen, it does, I back out and then they get all pissed and hate me for essentially not complying to how they want to treat me. I want to be treated fairly.. as most people do.

And from there we come to.... That person I talked about before as my... 'jealous girlfriend.' And it still stands. Again. Just like always. I'll see if I can link myself... give me a second. Ahh well, turns out I deleted it because she used to read my blog and I didn't want her to see it.. It's Here if you want to see it.. although... you'd have to be my friend on facebook and be allowed to read it.. regardless..

I guess I should start from... the beginning? We met through mutual friends for a concert and everything was fine. She was a really cool person and a great friend to talk to and hang out with.. and I fell for her. I told her and she was fine with it, but said she didn't want to date me at that time.. and I was fine with that. So after.. a year or so it got brought up again by friends saying that we should date because we were so good together and she made it VERY clear that she didn't want to ever, which was a change from before. To her I was 'jail bate' EVEN though I wasn't more than 5 years younger. She also said the distance was too much and all sorts of other.. stuff that I don't even remember.
I tried/started moving on, trying to come out of my shell at school and such and I did, I really started to and then I met Kendall on a trip I took to Italy and Greece. And that's when all hell broke loose and nothings ever been the same since. I started liking Kendall on the trip, only Kirstie, Simmy and Rachel knew. Late in the trip  he told us about how his girlfriend was starting to disappoint him where she wouldn't send him emails and if she did they were one word answers.. It came as a shock to all of us.. he hadn't ever said a word about her before, he hadn't even bought her a gift. Regardless I didn't pursue him, I never did, and we were just friends. After we got back we all hung out and he eventually broke up with his girlfriend.. A week or two later we started dating. The whole time.. she<--jealous person kept telling me, he's going to break your heart just like he broke his old gf's heart and stupid stuff, she broke it off with him. The entire time all she did was tell me not to go out with him because he'd just make me miserable. Kendall made me happy. He really did.
And after awhile, my friend Drew had had enough of me being miserable so he took my computer and my phone and deleted her out of everything. Twitter, facebook, myspace[yes, myspace], my contacts in my phone, blocked her on aim, everything. I felt bad, but it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I only had to please myself. I no longer had to worry about who I talked to Kendall about or how I talked about him and I was just... happier. Eventually he broke up with me because he no longer felt the same way, and I don't hate him.. he was honest, though he could have done it better.

Regardless. I started talking to her again and she was okay, and we were friends and such. She just kept saying that she didn't want to see me hurt. It was understanding but it really just annoyed me because I was 17 and I was quite capable of taking care of myself.. I had been with my relationship with my dad, which was non-existent, which she kept pushing for. That really pissed me off.. the pushing for me to have a relationship with my dad. It still does. Just because your dad had a heart attack and died and you felt guilty doesn't mean I need to have one with mine. My dad treats me like shit. Like I'm a 5 year old who had to have a million rules INCLUDING my door is not allowed to be shut, if it is it cannot be locked regardless of whether I'm changing or not.. I was 14 when they separated... I had already hit puberty and I couldn't lock my door to get changed in the morning or after a shower. I'd have to run to my room and try to throw on underwear and a bra before he came in to tell me I had 5 minutes... and he never knocked. To me... I just felt violated at that age. I still hate it now.

Anyway, everything with her was fine until this summer... She came to visit and then from my perspective flirted with Megan the whole time, in front of me on purpose just to try to make me jealous. Needless to say it pissed me off. I invite you down here and you just stomp on the feelings I still have for you. Thanks. That's what friends are for, right?
Things after that were a bit... sheltered on my side, I didn't talk to her much afterwards, we stayed friends but we definitely weren't as close as before. Then August/September comes around and I told Angela and Chelsea about how I liked Kenneth, who had a girlfriend, and Ricky, who essentially had one too. She found out somehow and started trying to hound me again on liking someone who's 'emotionally unavailable' and I told her I knew this already and I was just friends. And all she did was warn me not to date them. I stopped talking to her about it.
Then in November she got all annoyed because I posted on twitter that the argument of straights never understanding gays/lesbians pain is stupid and untrue. And she went all out. Literally. Anything I said had no meaning, because her opinion wasn't going to change.. I never set out to do that. I simply stated that it didn't make sense. And then when I said that we would need allies who were straight, she was furious, claiming blasphemy and such. [To be honest... history proves that wrong.. Ending slavery.... Abraham Lincoln? Last I checked he was white. Ending OPEN oppression on blacks/people of color as they put it back then...... John F. Kennedy?? He was... also white....]

After that I pretty much only talked to her with someone else. And simple basic things.. Tv shows, music, bands.. that was it. And now, because Ricky isn't with Brie anymore and I openly like him, which he knows, she's all pissy because I won't tell her anything about him. She makes the passive aggressive remarks on twitter and tumblr about being 'left out' and how 'her only happiness is...' She also started trying to get super overprotective of me again. Like -protective mama wolf face- or something. Seriously. No. Stop. Just... no.

You had every chance. For... 4 years now. You made it absolutely perfectly crystal clear that you do not, never had and never will date me. So suck up your jealousy and deal with it. You said no. I moved on. If you want attention.. find someone else because I'm perfectly content with my life. I like Ricky, a lot. And he knows. If you're going to want to know about him and then get completely uninterested when Angela says 'he's sweeter than sugar! She's just sending me some of the texts and it's so cute and yeah' and you just say 'ohhhh' I'm not going to tell you. Unless that's alien for 'Oh my god tell me everything about this boy..' to me, you're uninterested.. and I don't speak alien anyway. So. Just stop.

And for the record. I don't have feelings for you anymore. You're like an addiction, but I'm no longer the addict.

Honestly...

I feel like my life is so full it's completely empty right now. I can't stand the closest people around me, I just want to cry, give up and crawl away for days. "Going to college" is what everyone is supposed to do, grow up and learn how to live a life with your own spin on it. Nope. There's no 'growing' here, we're all just spiraling downward, out of control. The only thing that keeps me on my feet is my mom and my friends and I just got into an argument with her because she doesn't want me to come home this weekend if my grades are 'slipping' but I can't take it here anymore. I have so much work to do but I'm in a perfect writing mood. Can I write, obviously not because I have too much work to do. I hate everything lately. I wish I could pause this whole college experience. All I've learned is that the people here I thought I could trust I actually can't and they are the most unintelligent, insecure, ignorant, immature, sheltered people I have ever met in my fucking life. I thought Lancaster was 'sheltered' from the rest of the world. Hell fucking no. Lancaster is more of a city than where I live right now in Philly. Maybe we don't have a subway, but we at least have lives. What's worse, my roommate who  knows I like music, tries to be all cool with me by singing Beiber.. What the actual fuck. No. That is not music. Or she'll be in here and start singing "Woah woah, ohh ohh.. I love that 'Love Like Woah song! Like oh my godzz." First of all sweetheart.. it's 'Love Like Woe' as is terrible, saddening, depressing, not happy. Listen to the lyrics for once in your brain dead life. And two it's now "woah woah oh oh." Sing it right please or don't sing it at all. Holy lord. And also, don't make fun of my sayings 'oh my word' or 'holy lord.' I actually try to to swear all the time, that has been failing lately because you're driving me fucking nuts.


I cannot wait until next Friday. I'm going to party so hard at the Glamour Kills tour Friday and Sunday, on Sunday with my boo Amber and lovey Ashley. God I need my friends like an addict needs his fix.

Update...

So, I've been working to get another part of my story up so everyone can read it. I do have some, but it's not much. I've been editing parts of what I had posted before, which is why I took it down. I will put the finished part up again, it includes the character descriptions of just about everyone introduced in the story, and more general information to tie the story together. I'll be posting that soon, along with what I finish tonight. That way I can encourage myself to write up until the parts I already have written. I'm hoping to make the entire story at least 75 pages on microsoft word, but I would like to get to 100. I have two and a half more days to write of one scene I need, then another day that needs much more detail and I've caught up to a pre-written part of the story. That needs added detail as well. Then I'll be almost completed but I'll most likely add 'fluff' or just more days. I'll see what happens as I write because even though I try to generally plan my story, something sneaks it's way in and surprises me.

Januarius, Februarius, Martius,... Aprilis?

Hodie quintum ante diem Idus Aprilis est. Today is 5 days before the 13th of April. I'm not sure how correct it is in Latin grammar-wise, but the words are correct.

Found out today that I have A's in every single class of mine, for the end of last marking period and currently. If I keep an A this marking period, I might not have to take any finals. This is pretty sweet because I don't want to have to come in during the final days for seniors. This whole month the seniors that finished their graduation projects get to come in late, a whole period late since juniors have PSSA testing. I love being able to sleep in an extra hour. It's perfect since I can never get to sleep at night... then again, I stay up later now so, the extra hour is  actually non-existent.

I really want to write more lyrics, but I can't decide what to write them on. I'm thinking maybe, actually I'm not really sure what I'm thinking. I'll try to string lyrics together, like I normally do in the end when they just come out.

I have vocab to study for tomorrow, I need to keep my straight 100% on vocab tests streak continuing. So far I have 7 in a row, vocab 8 is tomorrow. Yeah, I somehow am that good, some weird wiring in my brain is all I can think of. Almost equally balanced left and right brain, that normally doesn't happen, from what I've found.

Goodnight and much love,

Claire Crystalline

Call on a Monday...

Still as confused but twice as happy. Just got back from my friends house in Greencastle. So. Much. Fun. Amber cut my hair and I got to go to West Virginia for like 20 minutes. It was fun. Today is their birthday, Happy 21st. :] I took them out for lunch to IHOP as part of their present. I miss them already.. after we ate lunch I came home. : / Saw Tylerstarstrukk too!!! I love him. :] He gives the best hugs ever. Haha, sorry Drew.

Anyway, I'm off to eat vegan chocolate ice cream and regular Reeses with my mom while watching CSI. Best show ever. Easter tomorrow.. possible movies, sleepover and egg hunt? Sounds like fun.

Tofurky for dinner tomorrow. :] Yum.

Goodnight all,

Love,

Claire Crystalline

Clear as Crystalline

Yet I couldn't see it coming. Yet again and again and again. Of course. Always happens.

Anywayyyyy. Term paper revisions that don't exist are almost done, economics of Vegetarianism and Veganism project, inspired by Mahalia_Pikachu, barely started and my life is being overrun with drama. I'm a writer, and I feel lost, I can't find words to describe how I feel right now, just empty, a shell. I feel so exposed, so wrong, so incorrect as though nothing is right with who I am.

I always tell everyone, yeah, I'm great friends with you when in all honesty, I have no clue who my friends are. I know the ones that are the furthest away are better friends than the ones I see daily. I've felt like I haven't known who I was for over a month, I was just a shell without a thought for so long, but someone came along and gave me a second look and air to breathe, it thawed my lungs and I came back. And now, they're gone again and I'm incased in this unknown again that I never understood.

I always wonder what people are thinking of me, what runs through their head when they see me, yet I've never gotten past that barrier and been able to see what's coming next. If I bring about my downfall, does that make me a Shakespearean tragic hero?

"Come to my garden....

Come sweet day." That was probably one of the craziest musicals I've ever been a part of. Stage right headset this year instead of Left like last year. The Wizard of Oz was definitely my favorite musical by far, so hard and complicated, but this year's Secret Garden was a ton of fun. We tore the entire set down in like 4 hours, not even, it was ridiculous. This Tuesday we get to start on Dance Theater.

I still haven't seen Alice in Wonderland. I really wanted to see it opening night but I never got the chance to because of the rehearsal for the musical and because my friend couldn't go see it with me. I'm normally not allowed out after curfew and that night wouldn't have been an exception. I was too tired to see it anyway. I was allowed to go to the cast parties though and they were so much fun. We got to sing Happy Birthday to Mrs. Kautter and she loved it, she almost started crying. Then we watched the performance and saw all the stuff we couldn't and could do which was good.

I have all of my projects done it feels like except for my term paper which I just started today. I have three weeks to finish it and I think I'll have plenty of time because I know the Romans and it's something I'm interested in. I finished my spring car, my sonnet, all the crazy projects for my PES class, Political and Economic Systems of the United States.. that's a thoroughly interesting class.. I really don't like most of the people in it which makes it entirely too difficult to concentrate.

Anyway, I have to get off the computer, but I'm going to shoot for more posts. I miss writing. I mainly can't post because my laptop has become ridiculous and won't start up in less than 30 minutes. I need Drew or someone to look at it.. I think I'll just export everything, sell it and then buy a new one that isn't under Dell. Maybe like Acer or HP or something, just not another Dell nor Windows Vista. I loathe both of them.

Goodnight all. Love,

Claire Crystalline <33

I Write Sins, Not Tradgedies

"What a shame the poor groom's bride is a WHORE."

Is it weird to say that's what I feel like my life is right now? I feel like everyone around me is all, 'Oh yeah, I had sex with my boyfriend.... blahblahblah.' Honestly? What ever happened to having morals? Why did suddenly everyone just throw everything they've learned out the window and just started having sex with people for no reason?

And then I'm the apparent 'go to' person, because everyone keeps coming to ME and talking to ME about their love lives. I don't want any part in it, I'm working on my own, thank you very much for noticing and/or caring. It's like the word 'virgin' has no meaning to it anymore, it's just one of THOSE words people giggle at because they think it's funny.

And so I'm supposed to handle these situations 'with a sense of poise and rationality.' I have, but then people take that for, 'oh, she understands my situation, lets keep talking to her.' No thank you. Please go away and talk to a counselor, or your mother since I'm sure she'll freak out when you get pregnant. I'm almost at the point where it's time to just 'close the Goddamn door' and not listen to anything anyone else says, because there comes a time when I need to take care of myself and not every other person on the planet.

But then of course, all my friends would get mad because I'm not being very friend-like to them and they dislike not being able to talk about how they want everything in life but can't stand to hurt people. It's enough to want to pull my hair out. And might I add that when I want to talk about something simple like that fact I like someone they completely blow it off like I'm not as important as they are.

I'm not taking it anymore though. The next person that wants advice I'll say that I'll listen, but no advice because I have none.

Anywayy, that was a fun rant to a song.. So I got to hang out with Brandy on Wednesday and we went to the mall together. I got a dress and matching shoes, totally my prom dress. :] It's sooooo pretty. I love it. I'm thinking I might get senior pictures taken with it. :]

I'll be on later, hopefully, I love you all,

Goodnighttt<333

ClaireCrystalline